Mommy Ramblings

Lila as newborn baby in mommy ramblings

Becoming a mother really is a rather precious thing, isn’t it? It isn’t something anyone can prepare you for. Everyone has stories to share – beautiful birth stories, horrid birth stories and some, even funny birth stories but nobody can describe what you will feel the moment you hold your child in your arms. Nobody can tell you how quickly you will forget the pain you went through to bring that little person into this world and just love them from the moment you hold them. Fiercely. Protectively. Nobody can explain to you that at that moment when your child is born, a part of you gets lost. Your identity become a new one, sometimes uncertain, not always sure where you belong, who you were before. Before you became this person, this person who at the current moment represents something between a dairy cow and a pig being milked for all your worth and giving off a suspicious scents from lack of showers and food (that you managed to squeeze in between feedings) stuck somewhere in between your hair and breasts and just hoping your husband can’t tell that that smell is coming from you after all. Nobody can tell you, although everyone does – and I find even myself trying to explain this to new mothers, it goes by so fast, in a blink of an eye, they roll, they sit, they smile, they eat and then they are running around driving you bonkers. But that moment when they stop and give you a hug or a kiss or just a “mama” you forget the insanity and lose yourself in them and your love all over again.

I often find myself at a loss of identity (for lack of a better word). I am not always sure where do I belong now, who am I now? Should I wear different clothing representing a mother, am I still allowed to go roller-skating or is that an inappropriate thing for a mother to do, what am I allowed to, what am I not allowed to – do we not judge each other too harshly or do I perhaps judge myself too harshly – wanting to be extraordinary – because really it takes someone extraordinary to raise these extraordinary little beings but I have never been that – I am average, simple, not overly successful, but not unsuccessful. Not exceptionally pretty but not too bad looking, not an amazing anything but not not – if that makes sense?!? But in this labyrinth of motherhood I am becoming a new person – I am becoming a mother to a beautiful daughter and soon also a son – I am learning through their eyes how to see a new world, a world I have forgotten somewhere between puberty and becoming an adult. A world that holds beauty, trust, simplicity and joy. I am becoming a woman – a new one, different from the one I was – I learned that I can be soft, gentle and even patient. I am becoming something – a new creature – that represents an individual and a mother at the same time. One that can pee with a toddler on her lap and still kick ass in those high heels on a date night! I am becoming a wife – I have been a wife for five years before we had our daughter but I feel that I am now married to a different man than the one he was before. In this new path of parenthood, we became new people, we had to learn so many things and face so many challenges together and I know this is just the beginning but together we are learning respect for one another – respect for each other parenting style, respect for one another’s space, respect for time spent together but most importantly (and I am sure many of you will agree on this one) respect for sleep! In this time in a marriage – although a challenge – I also have a beautiful, wonderful opportunity to get to know my husband all over again.

Lila and Daddy

Mommy and Lila

I am not here to share my wisdom, tell you how to be a better mother or even build cute DIY things. I am an average mommy so do not expect to find the meaning of parenthood here or even a successful sleep schedule –  I am merely here to talk, to ramble and maybe somewhere in-between inspire!

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